Colonel Gaddafi

Yo, wha gwan,

It's been a busy week with superinjunction busting tweets all over the web. Colonel Gaddafi would have no such scruples in dealing with uppity media types and the squidgy-faced nutcase is my subject this time. If you're going to declare war on a despot, it's a bonus that he looks like his face is made of plastic and he fell asleep next to a radiator. So much harder to deploy Tornadoes and Apache helicopters against a kindly visage. (Note to Gaddafi, if the war goes on for much longer, consider getting cosmetic surgery to look like Alan Bennett, we would  surrender at once and offer you a BBC4 series). At £100 million and counting, the Libyan adventure is turning into a major  financial drain which combined with a potential Greek debt bailout may mean we have to close all the libraries and replace modern medical care with castor oil and fresh air. Hey it worked for the Victorians, oh hang on,  they died when they caught a cold.  Perhaps the aged loon will quit tomorrow, but nonetheless West is finding its smart bombs and precision munitions have been countered by sophisticated Arab stealth technology known as hiding. As the Americans discovered in Iraq and Afghanistan, non-Western opponents have an irritating habit of not standing out in the open so we can call in an air strike.

Does this mean this intervention was wrong? Unfortunately as Macmillan said, 'events dear boy, events' make a mockery of noble principles or any kind of long term plan. Doing nothing was hardly an option, but doing something is not working too well either so thankfully we have Imogen Thomas to distract us. Many armchair generals have been quoting Clausewitz, who never dealt with the 24 hour news cycle. And as the Chinese sage Sun Tzu once said, 'Never go to Libya apart from winter sun holidays and to be honest, Sharm el Sheikh is better value'. He may not have said precisely that, but what works in ancient China does not help with a war fought on CNN. The problem put simply, is that to finish off the awkward Colonel ground troops are probably required and the British government is to use the technical term broke, moreover our collective patience for foreign adventures is wearing thin. Unlike the Vietnam conflict, current wars are not even producing decent films - instead of kinky boot wearing hookers seen through an opium haze with a Martin Sheen voice over, our boys are stuck in a hellish deserts with no nightlife apart from sporadic attacks by bearded maniacs. Let's pick our future battles with an eye to cinematic potential. With the success of Wallander and Stieg Larsson's books, Sweden might be a popular choice and probably an easy win. Then at least there would be something better to watch in the multiplexes than Kung Fu Panda Two which must be some kind of divine punishment.

Frustratingly for the West, the Libyan rebels' military tactics mostly involve driving around very fast and shooting into the air,  so if Gaddafi's forces were badger and pigeon based only it would be game over. In recent footage, one rebel had a bandana made out of .50 calibre shells, which looked excellent but did violate a key principle of protection in a warzone which is not wearing a helmet that explodes if hit by shrapnel. Your monkey philosopher does not pretend to have answers for the problems of the Middle East, other than readily available alcohol and a more relaxed attitude to sex before marriage might work wonders in creating a less dysfunctional political culture. When you watch footage of large numbers of young men running around shouting, setting fire to things and generally being a huge pain, this monkey can't help but think that pent-up energy would be better employed necking shots in cheesy suburban nightclubs called Temptations or Mystique, whilst trying to pull legal secretaries dressed in micro-minis and strappy shoes. Say you what you like about the young people of Britain, JK prefers vomiting in bins and blow jobs behind Asda to political extremism any day. There's very little in that part of the world that would not be improved by getting the young male population laid on a regular basis - yes we all think it but must tread carefully round religious sensibilities. Not.

But one final thought, some are suggesting we should offer Gaddafi an easy out, a pleasant retirement option in the Costa Del Sol perhaps. This should be rejected at all costs, not least that living with British ex-pats is a cruel and unusual punishment. Now that we have started a war to remove Gaddafi, offering him a cosy exile is a betrayal of his victims. He belongs in the International Court in the Hague and then  a prison cell - to paraphrase Magnus Magnusson of Mastermind fame, we've started so we must finish.