SPEAKERS ON MOBILE PHONES
These are the work of the devil himself, Satan must have been moonlighting at Nokia or done work experience at Apple. The speakerphone is a handy invention for telephones, no question. If you need to take a call but can't hold the phone to your face, for example you're in a hot tub at a swingers party, getting your nether regions waxed or are worried about the phone giving you cancer fair enough. (Interesting to note that the people who fret about mobiles cooking their brains really don't have many functioning brain cells in the first place. Maybe that's why they are so touchy about losing the few working synapses they have left.) But letting phones play music through the speakers is pure malice. Now every bus or train journey is blighted by some little scrote listening to their toons handsfree and all of us make the mental calculation, is saying something to the ratboy or girl worth the small chance of being stabbbed. JK suggests you take the phone in question and throw it out the window. By the way, this works best if you are a large silverback gorilla.
JUNK MAIL
Like smallpox, junk mail is a plague on humanity and its evils are legion. Gone is the excitement of post arriving through your letterbox, to be replaced with annoyance and trips to the recycling bin. Those clever folks who generate this garbage have even started using regular envelopes with print that looks like handwriting to stop you immediately chucking it out or putting big warnings, saying 'This is not a circular, Important Information enclosed' when in fact you local estate agent just wants to let you know he sold a house. JK does not know of any other profession so insecure, so beset by fears of their own worthlessness, that they need to tell you what they've done on a regular basis. In fact profession is the wrong word, as that implies you need some kind of qualification to become an estate agent other than the ability to buy your suits at River Island and use your own body weight in hair gel on a daily basis. The only rational explanation for junk mail is that somebody must really hate trees or wants to keep Royal Mail in business. As for remedies, JK suggests filling a tuperware container with your own crap and posting it back to the sender, which is only payback after all. Do remember to wear latex gloves when doing so both for hygeine reasons and to avoid prosecution.
Like smallpox, junk mail is a plague on humanity and its evils are legion. Gone is the excitement of post arriving through your letterbox, to be replaced with annoyance and trips to the recycling bin. Those clever folks who generate this garbage have even started using regular envelopes with print that looks like handwriting to stop you immediately chucking it out or putting big warnings, saying 'This is not a circular, Important Information enclosed' when in fact you local estate agent just wants to let you know he sold a house. JK does not know of any other profession so insecure, so beset by fears of their own worthlessness, that they need to tell you what they've done on a regular basis. In fact profession is the wrong word, as that implies you need some kind of qualification to become an estate agent other than the ability to buy your suits at River Island and use your own body weight in hair gel on a daily basis. The only rational explanation for junk mail is that somebody must really hate trees or wants to keep Royal Mail in business. As for remedies, JK suggests filling a tuperware container with your own crap and posting it back to the sender, which is only payback after all. Do remember to wear latex gloves when doing so both for hygeine reasons and to avoid prosecution.
OUTDOOR HEATERS
Since time immemorial humanity has sought to shelter from the elements, to heat their dwellings and generally make life indoors more pleasant. No one until a few years ago was anyone mad enough to try to heat the outside. Why? Because it's the outdoors, you idiots. If the sun, a massive thermonuclear fireball, struggles to heat the air on a cold day, what chance does some crappy gas heater from a DIY store have. None. It cooks one side of your face whilst the rest of you freezes. A few hundred years from now, when climate change has turned the earth into a blighted desert, imagine Wolverhampton in the Sahara without the vibrant cultural life, children will be shown videos of these monstrous creations. They will ask questions and their teachers will shrug and say, in 2011 people didn't like putting a coat on when they left the pub to have a cigarette. Children will argue that makes no sense, how could they be so self-destructive and their teachers will get annoyed and reply, because they were morons, alright. Now put on your safety goggles and factor 75 sunscreen, it's break time. There is sadly no answer for patio heaters, save going to a deserted beach, falling to your knees and howling at man's folly like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes. Or we could ban them, just a thought.
SPAM EMAIL
Ninety nine percent of all emails sent are offers for cheap Viagra or penis enlargement devices. Of the other one percent, only one tenth are worthwhile communication and those are badly spelled and make little grammatical sense.The remainder are people at work asking who's going to lunch, round robin emails from corporate communications that are so pointless it's miracle the person typing them did not commit suicide at the futility of their own existence and back and forth exchanges which could be avoided if the people in question just picked up the phone. You cannot blame the spammers for junk email, however, as they would not send them if there were not a tiny percentage of men who actually replied. Yes, it is men again, you can add buying penis pumps online to the charge sheet along with war, Top Gear and Vin Diesel films. Unlike the other three blights mentioned, there is a really easy solution to this dilemma: make replying to a spam email a criminal offence, find the sad sacks who actually click on the offer of discounted boner pills and publish their names. Bazinga, no more spam.
JK will back soon, with some suggestions on inventions that don't exist but need inventing really urgently. Peace out.
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